My Opinion, Religion

LOSS OF FAITH

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LOSS OF FAITH

A loss of faith comes in many forms but no matter how it occurs it usually but not always involves a traumatic event. My loss of faith came on gradually with a growing realization that it was all a pack of lies.
I was born, baptised, and raised a Roman Catholic as my Mother was and all her family before her. Both my biological Father and my step-Dad were non Catholics. My Father was Church of Scotland and my Dad was a very non-practicing Methodist. My religious upbringing was in the hands of my Mom and I can remember having to say the Rosary every night after supper. I made my first communion when I was seven or eight and then I became an altar boy at age nine. I also remember that because I went to the public school I had to attend Sunday School where the Nuns taught us our Cathecisim and I was about 10 or 11 when I became confirmed. All this time I attended Sunday school and Summer school run by both the Nuns and Brothers. I don’t know who were the hardest disciplnarians The Nuns or the Brothers both were pretty strict.
Just before my 14th birthday we moved to Jamaica where my Dad had a job and for the next 18 months we lived there. While there I got into some trouble at school so my parents sent me to a Catholic Boarding school run by the Jesuits. Three months later I was expelled. It was while I was there that I started to doubt what the Church was teaching. It just didn’t seem to be in tune with what I was seeing and reading about. In February of 1958 the job was over and we came back to Canada and I settled down in highschool which was public and had a trades course. The doubts though kept getting stronger and by the time I was 17 I turned my back on religion, all religion. I just couldn’t believe in the Biblical version of God. I didn’t really believe in anything at that time so I guess that put me into the Atheist group. My parents were overseas at the time and so I didn’t have to face my Mother for two more years. When I finally told her she accepted it but I could tell she wasn’t to pleased.
When I was 24 I joined the American Army and went off to fight in VietNam and during the rough times when I was scared I never once called on God to save me. When I was in the Army Hospital in Japan recovering from burns there was a young Catholic Army Chaplain who was leaving the priesthood because he hasd lost his faith. He never told anyone of us why he had lost faith but I think it was because he had served with an infantry unit in Nam and had just seen to much. At the age of 27 I got married and to keep everyone happy my fiance,who was also Catholic, and I were married in the Catholic church. Our two children were baptised in the Catholic faith mainly because my wife ,at the time, was still attending church. I never interfered in the religious upbringing of my daughter as they both attended school in the Catholic system. When they got older they also turned their backs on religion.
Myself, I couldn’t believe in this God sitting on a throne in some mythical place called Heaven but I knew there had to be something behind life and the world around me. My Mother died when I was 49 and when my Dad called to tell me that she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer I went up to their house in Shelburne to see my Mom. I remember walking into the living room and Mom was laying on the couch with her Rosary in her hand. I went over and knelt on the floor beside her and we talked. During our conversation I told her that I could not pray for her as I just didn’t believe, she gave a small sigh and said” that’s all right son, I understand”. That was in August and she died in November. My Mom believed so much in the Church and in God I made up my mind that I would never insult or denegrate anyone who had religious beliefs. If those who do believe find comfort in it then I am pleased for them.

For years I have not believed in God as portrayed in the Bible and it wasn’t until I read an article on Pantheism that I realized that I was one of them.I had finally found out what I believed in “The Universe is God and God Is the Universe”. This is what I believe in whole heartily and if to some that makes me an aethist or an infidel then, that to me puts them in the category of Bigots.

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2 thoughts on “LOSS OF FAITH

  1. Merle Baird-Kerr says:

    I love the symbolic cartoon at the top…manifests “intrigue”. Also, I would not say that you “lost faith”…you developed a faith of your own thinking. You do give credence to those who believe otherwise…which is very wise! Can’t imagine you as an altar boy, although your mother was doing what she considered proper for her son! Re Vietnam…I read a great novel (written by Danielle Steel) called Message from Nam…a great story, possibly true about an American journalist sent there to report. What you wrote in this article is “Confession for the Soul” which is good practice for us all. I fully agree with you that: The Universe is God and God is the Universe! That is a great belief to own.

  2. Meg says:

    I agree with Merle, you do believe, each person on this planet is here to find their own Faith and God, That is what I have inadequately be trying to tell you.
    I am sorry that I have not been able to say it so you would understand me.

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