CHEMICAL WARFARE, CIVILIAN STYLE. 2015/10/25
I am about to delve into a topic that in some circles would be considered crude and impolite but personally I think it is a topic of great humour, FLATULENCE, or as it is more commonly call Farts. The Oxford Dictionary defines Flatulence as “The state or condition of having the stomach or other parts of the alimentary canal charge with gas”.
Choosing to write about the humorous side of this subject is not going to be that easy as one must not stoop to the coarseness that can and does attach itself to this completely normal human function. There are pages of scientific definitions as to why we produce gas in our systems the simplest being is that it is a by-product of fermentation and digestion. There is also the external source which occurs when we swallow while chewing. Some food are notorious for producing gas such as, Beans, Lentil, Garlic, Onions, Turnip, Cabbage, Cauliflower, and Turnip to list some. Brussel Sprouts and Broccoli are reputed to not only increase flatulence but to also increase the potency. Peppers and spices are also a source of gas and have a tendency to cause irritation at the point of expulsion. There are times when this irritation takes on the properties of lava and the individual who is so afflicted prays for a fire extinguisher or at least a block of ice to sit on. Flatulence contains many gases of which Methane and Hydrogen are flammable and the primary source of the aroma is from a combination of Hydrogen and Sulphur known as Hydrogen-Sulphide. The sound that accompanies most expulsions is the result of the sphincter muscle vibrating. This ranges anywhere from a slight Brt to an extended Brrrrrrt. One could compare it to an air raid siren as you know something nasty is on the way. Perhaps the most (for want of a better word) deadly of expulsions are the silent stealth ones. For some reason they are usually the most potent. Some could possibly fell a bull elephant in mid charge. Which leads me to the next topic. Categories of Flatulence. The following are personal designations for the diverse type of flatulence. There is as mentioned above the “Silent Stealth” type 1, The “Single Shot”, both silent and noisy, there is the multiple shots or as I call them the “Machine Gun” burst, both silent and loud. Then there is the “Artillery Barrage” which occurs when one is usually walking. With each step there is a release of gas either noisy or silent leaving a trail of noxious toxic gas in ones’ wake. Perhaps of all the different types the most deadly, in my opinion, is being caught in an express elevator with no way to get out until the 50th floor with someone who has been out drinking beer and eating pickled eggs the night before. This act of terror is usually silent and to say pungent doesn’t half describe the fumes that waft out from this release. It causes the eyes to water severely and heavy gasping for air. It usually results with the whole elevator being emptied when it reaches its’ first stop. Emptied that is but for the perpetrator of this foul attack. The last ones sees of him or her is the gleeful smile of release on their face as the elevator door closes. So there you have it my take on a common but necessary bodily function. So if by some perverted act of nature you are trapped with no immediate escape believe me when I say you have my sympathy because I have experience just such an attack.